Know your onions

I am worried. You see, I think I know my onions: I know where I stand in life. And that is great. But recently, I have been saddened about the vast number of souls who are still looking for theirs. Their onions, that is.

They have been flooding into this humble blog of mine in search for the golden onion. That’s right, hundreds of onion-less people have come here looking for an onion or two. I feel obliged to help them out and put the onion back into opinion. Or as Shakespeare once said:

“What mean you, sir,

To give them this discomfort? Look, they weep;

And I, an ass, am onion-eyed: for shame, Transform us not to women.”

A word of advice then to the onion-eyed among you: personally, I like to cut onions while wearing a snorkel and mask. But if you feel this is too weird, then try cutting them under running water, in a sink full of water, or maybe while you’re having a bubble bath. Another tip is to chew gum and chop onions at the same time. Don’t try this if you are a politician though!

Did you know that the onion is one of the oldest vegetables known to humankind? (Well, that’s if you exclude the shrivelled up something-or-other that lives at the bottom of my rucksack.)

Onions were worshipped by the Ancient Egyptians – yes, they were right up there with cats in terms of divinity! They believed that the roundness and the rings symbolized eternal life. (I’m referring to onions here, people, not cats…) Roman gladiators were rubbed down with onion massage oil to keep their muscles firm (I could definitely see myself doing this on Russel Crowe…). And in the Middle Ages, the economic crisis was averted by using onions to pay your rent with.

Not only are onions beautiful when they flower, they’re useful too! Who would have known?

However, I do have to scold the onion for giving us Brits the wrong mental picture of the French. The once popular Onion Johnny was a farmer from Breton who used to come over to Britain and sell pink onions door-to-door. Wearing a striped shirt and beret, riding a bike covered with necklaces of onions, the Onion Johnny created a stereotypical picture of the French in our minds. Either that – or the French really do look like that!

Who knew that the humble onion was in fact a god-like and powerful vegetable?

No wonder there are so many onion-seekers out there. I hope you have found what you were looking for.