How to stop traffic

I normally walk to school to fetch the kids, but a couple of days ago, I drove there as I was taking them to 4H.

It was the first cool day of autumn, with a slight frost that morning, and a wild wind whipping up a disco of fallen leaves. So, there I was innocently driving along when I grabbed the gear stick to feel something … strange under my fingers. Something that was squishy in a very unpleasant way, like eyeballs, and something that scrabbled at my fingers with creepily feather-like movements.

I looked down. It was a wasp. A very sleepy wasp as the weather was too cold for it to feel perky and fly up my nostrils.

I did what any sane person would do: I screamed loudly (imagine 100 on the Richter Scale of Screams) in the hopes that it would fall down dead of a heart attack. (It didn’t – but the dog’s fur stood up on end.)

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In fact, my scream seemed to invigorate the wasp. It had realized that it wouldn’t be able to sting my fingers so it flew onto my seat and burrowed under my butt – obviously going for a bigger and softer target.

I braked madly. On a pedestrian crossing. And jumped out, leaving the door open. Cars piled up behind the car and then cautiously overtook me as I stood there in the middle of the road, doing a wild Dervish dance.

Just as I was calming down, and thanking my lucky stars that no one I knew had seen my little display, a car pulled up. The window was wound down and my neighbour wanted to know what the problem was.

“Oh, I was locked in the car with a mad wasp on a stinging mission,” I said felt like saying.

“Just a wasp” I replied with a cool calm that I didn’t feel.

Before getting in again, I used the car brush to sweep the seats in case it was still lurking.

But it had flown away – no doubt rubbing its legs with glee at the thought of its successfully accomplished mission.

I said I’d tell you how to stop traffic; I didn’t say you would be doing it gracefully.

30 thoughts on “How to stop traffic

  1. oh no! In the CAR! 😮
    When I sold my notebooks at the market last Saturday I had to eat something because I stood there for four hours and get hungry about 7 times a day – moving on, it was my first outdoor event and I had to eat a banana. A fierce wasp came out of nowhere, circled around my mouth, chased not only me but the people in the stands next to me. A woman called out: “It’s the banana! It’s the banana! You must never eat bananas at a market!” 😀 I swallowed quickly and stuffed the peel into a plastic bag and we were safe again.

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  2. What a shock and it could have been a nasty accident as well. My aunt and uncle once had a bad crash when a wasp flew in the open window and stung my aunt who was the driver. Never mind if you looked silly – at least you didn’t get stung.

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  3. You have no idea how LOUD LadyFi can be when she just sees a wasp buzzing innocently through the air. Imagine the decibels when in close confinement with the flying creature.
    Haha, great story!
    Reminds me when, attending a picnic at father-and-son bowls match, I sat down on a bee, and mum had to pull the sting out …

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  4. hahaha, I can just see it , you standing there waving your arms at something and people driving by, thinking there´s a mad woman on the loose….. 🙂 I´m sorry, but it´s just too funny! 🙂

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  5. That is too funny.

    In some way though, don’t you wish you could behave like that on a more regular basis.

    My son once put a jelly fish in my bikini bottoms when I was in the ocean with him. I ended up screaming and shrieking and pulling off my pants and hurling them away, while onlookers …looked. What makes me laugh is that none of them knew I had a jellyfish in my pants (that had gone into some kind of vacuum action) and all they saw was a mad shrieking woman jumping up and down and throwing her pants.

    My son was laughing so hard it took him some time to go retrieve my pants while I barked tearfully at him “Get my pants!! YOU WAIT till I get them on!”

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  6. No, you certainly didn’t…and you kept your promise :))) Laughing at the idea of the wild dervish dance in the middle of the street 🙂

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  7. I won’t laugh because I would have done the exact same thing, LadyFi!

    Last weekend we were all getting in my car to go run and errand, and after I got in the drivers seat I picked my coat off the passenger seat so Peter could sit down. Underneath that was a HUGE spider. I screamed and cursed and flew out of my car. Peter had to kill it.

    So I completely understand your reaction!

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  8. LMAO… this is hilarious. So glad you weren’t stung, and really glad you didn’t get into an accident!

    When I used to ride a motorcycle, I had a bee/wasp/hornet, (who knows what it was!) fly into my jacket. I almost wrecked my bike trying to hurry up and turn onto a side road, park it, and then rip my jacket off and do the dance. Thank god I didn’t get stung!!!

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