How to stop traffic

I normally walk to school to fetch the kids, but a couple of days ago, I drove there as I was taking them to 4H.

It was the first cool day of autumn, with a slight frost that morning, and a wild wind whipping up a disco of fallen leaves. So, there I was innocently driving along when I grabbed the gear stick to feel something … strange under my fingers. Something that was squishy in a very unpleasant way, like eyeballs, and something that scrabbled at my fingers with creepily feather-like movements.

I looked down. It was a wasp. A very sleepy wasp as the weather was too cold for it to feel perky and fly up my nostrils.

I did what any sane person would do: I screamed loudly (imagine 100 on the Richter Scale of Screams) in the hopes that it would fall down dead of a heart attack. (It didn’t – but the dog’s fur stood up on end.)

800px-European_wasp_white_bg02

In fact, my scream seemed to invigorate the wasp. It had realized that it wouldn’t be able to sting my fingers so it flew onto my seat and burrowed under my butt – obviously going for a bigger and softer target.

I braked madly. On a pedestrian crossing. And jumped out, leaving the door open. Cars piled up behind the car and then cautiously overtook me as I stood there in the middle of the road, doing a wild Dervish dance.

Just as I was calming down, and thanking my lucky stars that no one I knew had seen my little display, a car pulled up. The window was wound down and my neighbour wanted to know what the problem was.

“Oh, I was locked in the car with a mad wasp on a stinging mission,” I said felt like saying.

“Just a wasp” I replied with a cool calm that I didn’t feel.

Before getting in again, I used the car brush to sweep the seats in case it was still lurking.

But it had flown away – no doubt rubbing its legs with glee at the thought of its successfully accomplished mission.

I said I’d tell you how to stop traffic; I didn’t say you would be doing it gracefully.

30 responses

  1. oh no! In the CAR! 😮
    When I sold my notebooks at the market last Saturday I had to eat something because I stood there for four hours and get hungry about 7 times a day – moving on, it was my first outdoor event and I had to eat a banana. A fierce wasp came out of nowhere, circled around my mouth, chased not only me but the people in the stands next to me. A woman called out: “It’s the banana! It’s the banana! You must never eat bananas at a market!” 😀 I swallowed quickly and stuffed the peel into a plastic bag and we were safe again.

    Like

    October 1, 2009 at 09:01

  2. Po

    It burrowed under your butt! Hahahahahahahaha. Oh dear. Good thing it wasn’t a busy road!

    Like

    October 1, 2009 at 09:28

  3. I know this is not very supportive but I have to confess that I laughed…..I laughed a lot!!

    C x

    Like

    October 1, 2009 at 10:25

  4. Got a bee in your butt? 🙂

    Like

    October 1, 2009 at 11:09

  5. Baahhhaaaa haha haa.
    Oh Gee I did a simialrly unattractive War type dance when I pulled the car visor down and HAD A hUNsman drop in my lap!
    What a cheeky wasp going for your butt!

    Like

    October 1, 2009 at 11:19

  6. Oh I so loved this post!! It had me laughing!!! I love the line “a disco of fallen leaves.” Great description!

    Like

    October 1, 2009 at 14:04

  7. Just the visual of this is enough to make me smile!!!!

    Like

    October 1, 2009 at 14:50

  8. Thanks for the laugh!! That’s the kind of silliness that usually happens to me. It’s fun to be on the other side of things for a change 🙂

    Like

    October 1, 2009 at 14:52

  9. What a shock and it could have been a nasty accident as well. My aunt and uncle once had a bad crash when a wasp flew in the open window and stung my aunt who was the driver. Never mind if you looked silly – at least you didn’t get stung.

    Like

    October 1, 2009 at 15:21

  10. mother of the cousins

    You have no idea how LOUD LadyFi can be when she just sees a wasp buzzing innocently through the air. Imagine the decibels when in close confinement with the flying creature.
    Haha, great story!
    Reminds me when, attending a picnic at father-and-son bowls match, I sat down on a bee, and mum had to pull the sting out …

    Like

    October 1, 2009 at 15:22

  11. What a wild thing to happen–so funny that you stopped traffic but I don’t blame you one bit for jumping out of your car! I hate bees and wasps too!

    Like

    October 1, 2009 at 15:33

  12. This is hilarious!
    Glad you didn’t die!

    Like

    October 1, 2009 at 15:37

  13. ahhhhhhhh!!!!!! I would have pretty much done the exact same thing. Yuuuuuuck!

    Like

    October 1, 2009 at 15:54

  14. hahaha, I can just see it , you standing there waving your arms at something and people driving by, thinking there´s a mad woman on the loose….. 🙂 I´m sorry, but it´s just too funny! 🙂

    Like

    October 1, 2009 at 16:02

  15. Oh thank you, you cheered us up so much with that tale and we needed to smile!

    Like

    October 1, 2009 at 17:39

  16. Right! Don’t worry, I took notes and now I’m on the hunt for a good wasp to play the part!

    Like

    October 1, 2009 at 20:48

  17. I too would have freaked out, but not nearly as eloquently as you 🙂

    Like

    October 1, 2009 at 21:15

  18. I’d say you were amazingly composed. Amazingly composed. Me? I would have hit a light pole.

    Thank goodness it didn’t sting you!

    Like

    October 1, 2009 at 22:35

  19. I have been stung while driving. YIKES. Very distracting to have a wasp with you!

    Like

    October 2, 2009 at 00:16

  20. Thanks for the laugh, it got me past the creepy feeling when you descriped feeling the wasp under your hand. Glad it all turned out well.

    Like

    October 2, 2009 at 03:26

  21. I’m curious how your kids reacted? Especially with your screams. The dog reacted so the kids must have jumped out of the car too.

    Like

    October 2, 2009 at 05:04

    • Luckily, the kids weren’t with me as I was driving to school to fetch them.

      Like

      October 2, 2009 at 05:23

  22. I think butt is the part of the body that can handle the sting better than other body parts. I don´t know for sure as they never sting the butt.

    Like

    October 2, 2009 at 05:06

  23. babsindk

    That is too funny.

    In some way though, don’t you wish you could behave like that on a more regular basis.

    My son once put a jelly fish in my bikini bottoms when I was in the ocean with him. I ended up screaming and shrieking and pulling off my pants and hurling them away, while onlookers …looked. What makes me laugh is that none of them knew I had a jellyfish in my pants (that had gone into some kind of vacuum action) and all they saw was a mad shrieking woman jumping up and down and throwing her pants.

    My son was laughing so hard it took him some time to go retrieve my pants while I barked tearfully at him “Get my pants!! YOU WAIT till I get them on!”

    Like

    October 2, 2009 at 06:47

  24. Braja

    No, you certainly didn’t…and you kept your promise :))) Laughing at the idea of the wild dervish dance in the middle of the street 🙂

    Like

    October 2, 2009 at 14:51

  25. I won’t laugh because I would have done the exact same thing, LadyFi!

    Last weekend we were all getting in my car to go run and errand, and after I got in the drivers seat I picked my coat off the passenger seat so Peter could sit down. Underneath that was a HUGE spider. I screamed and cursed and flew out of my car. Peter had to kill it.

    So I completely understand your reaction!

    Like

    October 2, 2009 at 15:33

  26. LMAO… this is hilarious. So glad you weren’t stung, and really glad you didn’t get into an accident!

    When I used to ride a motorcycle, I had a bee/wasp/hornet, (who knows what it was!) fly into my jacket. I almost wrecked my bike trying to hurry up and turn onto a side road, park it, and then rip my jacket off and do the dance. Thank god I didn’t get stung!!!

    Like

    October 3, 2009 at 14:14

  27. Good GRIEF woman! I can’t believe that after only holding hands with that wasp he went for more! Glad you didn’t get rear ended – by the cars OR the wasp!

    Like

    October 4, 2009 at 05:21

  28. You cracked me up, I can imagine this all happening..poor Oscar must have been scared to death with your screams. Nothing worse than the pain of a wasp sting either..your butt would have been a fine place to get stung..:)

    Like

    October 4, 2009 at 20:22

  29. Too funny! At least you didn’t get stung on the bum!

    Like

    October 7, 2009 at 17:26

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